If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
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Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey