Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
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[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.