People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
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[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
*praying for world peace*
God:
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
“The Perfect Relationship”
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk