HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
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me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.