farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
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*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.