There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
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Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!