Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
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You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this