I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
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“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
that colleague who touches your screen
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.