If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
You Might Also Like
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.