A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
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*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
wish me luck lads
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.