One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
You Might Also Like
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
The struggle is real.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.