[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
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Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
me adding lol on a serious message
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.