[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
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Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”