Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
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*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
What is going on? 😅
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.