My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
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Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Teamwork makes the dream work.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
wut hotdog?