Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
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If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
looks legit
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
He took my last fry, your honor
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food