If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
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Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don鈥檛. You鈥檙e the adult.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
I thought my house was falling down but it鈥檚 just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
I should鈥檝e known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Don鈥檛 tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I鈥檓 on death row
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
who named him groot and not spruce lee
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.