[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
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*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.