When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
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*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
So true for me
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined