Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
You Might Also Like
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Everyone’s family
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.