Fat chances are my favorite chances
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When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.