We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
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9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”