Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
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[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.