The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
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British websites use biscuits.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
A classic…
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Cheer up.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.