The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
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Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.