I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
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YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”