[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
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You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Breaking news:
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.