VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
You Might Also Like
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.