I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
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ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
somewhere, in an alternate universe
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now