Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
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My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
The pen is writier than the sword.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.