Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
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I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”