Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
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Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
umm…
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating