My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
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ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
PARKOUR
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”