I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
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I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.