it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
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Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.