Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
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Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
courtroom exchange of the day
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Mummies are just super modest zombies
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
this could fix me
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.