My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
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My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”