To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
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if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Saturday
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.