Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
You Might Also Like
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Oh my God.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.