#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
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“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
I’d hang this in my house.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!