[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
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My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.