You Might Also Like
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
This makes total sense…
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.