Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
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Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda