Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
You Might Also Like
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
I’m already scared