Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
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I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same