I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
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*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
How did we not see this back then?
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day