My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
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A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Happy Star Wars day!
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.