Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
You Might Also Like
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
how to exercise your calf muscles
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
[Texts to 14]
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.