i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
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At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
wut hotdog?
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.