Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
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The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Yup….perfect score!
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans